Anu Chenji

Click… click…

Nothing.

Click, click again.

Nothing again.

A puzzled look on his face, our pal walks all around his car, clicking the remote from various angles. Nada… the thing won’t respond.

The office boy is standing by his side, having helpfully brought down the boss’ briefcase, lunchbag, camera and oh… the towel… that he had forgotten to take off his head in the morning when he washed his Rapunzelian locks… oh yes, same pal!

…for those of you who missed the earlier story, here’s the link.

The boy scratches his head and makes encouraging noises at the car – clicks and giddyaps. No use! Then he makes further encouraging noises at the boss – “Click closer, saar. Maybe the remote battery is down”. The boss shakes his head – it’s a brand new BMW and these cars are protected with plans all the way from B to Z if something doesn’t work. But, being Indian, he tries clicking it hard, two inches from the door lock. Naaah… not working!

Boss also scratches his head right alongside the office boy.

Then remembers. Aha – there’s a mechanism by which the remote transforms into a key, a plan J, in fact, made just for emergencies like the current one. Key is duly produced and inserted. Still doesn’t work.

By now, seriously puzzled, also even more seriously hungry, our pal calls his ever resourceful wife!

“Call the dealer,” she offers.

“What, so late in the night?” he counters.

“Well, that’s why they sell this car priced so high – twenty four hour service on call!” she says.

So he pulls out his phone. Oops – we have run out of charge!

Trails back to the office, followed by office boy, carrying all the paraphernalia and wondering whether he should quietly drop the towel down the drain! Someone in the office is bound to have a charger.

The agreeable smell of Chinese food wafts to his nostrils as he enters. A bunch of late workers (this is Bombay, after all!) has ordered dinner and invite him to tuck in. Having secured a charger and plugged it in, he proceeds to demolish the better half of a plate of Chinese chicken wings and goes to make his call to the dealer.

Oops again – the charger is loose and the phone is as dead as ever!

Matters are repaired. Ten minutes later, he calls the dealer. The dealer, friendly soul, sounds thrilled to be woken up in the middle of the night to sort out a mechanically-impaired client’s problem! They must pay these BMW dealers a bomb!

Very gently, in words of one syllable, he takes him through the drill. Our pal, equally polite, nods his way through the drill (they are back at the kerb where he’s parked the car now by the way. But some instinct of self-preservation has led him to tell the office boy to stay back this time and he will carry everything, including the towel!)

Click this. Do this. Turn it. Turn yourself around three times and touch your toes. All instructions are faithfully obeyed. The car does not respond.

Then a faint, very faint memory of something kicks in. All is not quite well with this car. Telling the dealer he’ll call back in ten minutes, he walks a few steps, gets into the car and is on his way home. Calls the wife to tell her that the problem is sorted out and he’ll be home soon. Also calls the dealer to tell him that haan, yes, the problem is now sorted out and under control, thank you very much indeed!

Both wife and dealer are trusting souls and do not probe further – also maybe they are sleepy souls!

The next morning, the wife inquires,”So what was wrong with the car yesterday?”

“Oh, it turned out to be a minor problem after all and I took care of it,” he waves the question aside.

But something in the breezy nonchalance makes her smell a rat.

“What was the small problem? We’ve paid so much for this car, it shouldn’t have small problems!?” she asks.

“You see, the car wasn’t where I thought I had parked it. It was a few metres down the road,” he answers sheepishly.

Our pal has been trying all along to open the wrong car! What tipped him off was a faint memory as he got out of his car the previous morning, of having parked neatly on top of a speedbreaker, getting out and balancing himself right on the speedbreaker, feeling a little thrilled! Remember the childhood feeling of walking down an entire street without stepping on a single line on the pavement – well, ditto!

Well, this car was not on a speedbreaker!

Towels or cars, all are equal grist to an absentminded soul’s mill!

If I were to ever write a cookbook for our pal, I would start with something like Hannah Glasse’s Georgian recipe for jugged hare (whatever that is!): “First catch your hare!”

So for this hoary Rajasthani recipe, first make your gatte!

GATTE KI SUBZI

FOR GATTE

• Gram flour/besan – 1 cup
• Red chili powder – 1/2 tsp
• Coriander powder – 1/4 tsp
• Cumin powder – 1/2 tsp
• Turmeric – 1/2 tsp
• Asafoetida – 1 large pinch
• Kasooti methi (dried fenugreek leaves) – 1 large pinch – optional
• Salt
• Oil – 1 tsp

Mix all the ingredients together, adding a little water at a time to amke a stiff dough. Knead for a few minutes.

Roll into long, 1/2 cm thick cylinders (about the thickness of your finger).

Boil water in a large pan and drop the cylinders into it. Boil for 8-10 minutes till they float to the surface.

Drain and cut into small pieces – about 1 cm long. These are our gatte.

Saute them in 1 tsp of oil for a few minutes and set aside.

FOR SUBZI

• Mustard seeds – 1/2 tsp
• Jeera/cumin seeds – 1/2 tsp
• Saunf/aniseed – 1/4 tsp
• Red chili powder – 1/2 tsp
• Asafoetida – 1 pinch
• Coriander powder – 1/2 tsp
• Cumin powder – 1/2 tsp
• Turmeric powder – 1/4 tsp
• Garam masala powder – 1/2 tsp
• Green chili – 1 minced
• 1 cup yogurt – whisked
• Salt
• Jaggery or sugar – 1 tsp
• Ghee  – 1 tbsp
• Chopped coriander to garnish

Heat the ghee in a large pan. Add the mustard seeds.

When they pop, add the jeera and saunf.

Add all the masala powders and saute for a few seconds. Add one cup water.

Immediately pour in the yogurt in a steady stream, stirring constantly. If you pour the yogurt directly into the pan without cooling it down first with water, the yogurt may curdle.

Cook on a low flame for 6-7 minutes.

Add the gatte and salt and cook for a further 5-6 minutes, stirring occasionally.

The gravy will thicken.

Switch off, garnish with coriander and serve with rice and a salad for a full meal.

Make a large batch of gatte and use a handful in any curry to add protein.

Tip for our pal: it also aids memory! Well, I don’t actually know but going by the number of ancient Indian recipes which claim to, I wouldn’t be surprised! It can’t make it worse anyway!

Eyes glitter. Bared teeth glint in the nightlights of New York City. The neon bounces off their visages. Foreheads shine with excitement…

…no… no… not a pair of gangsters and in case you’re worried, no, I’m not getting mugged!

It’s only my husband and daughter coming out of Radio City Music Hall late at night after a much looked forward to concert by their God (yes, capitalized!), master and the guy with whom the sun rises every morning – their music idol – John Fogerty… hear the trumpets sound forth?!

Having idolized JF for over four decades now, husband is floating at about eighty thousand feet and needs to walk several miles before he can come down to anywhere near street level! Ditto with daughter, except that it has been that many decades!  I am on my own high having watched Jim Parsons playing God in Act of God and having waited at the stage entrance, gotten an autograph of it – I was standing within two feet of the great man himself and it takes all of us  hours to get back on the ground! Even waiting for over an hour for the train to New Jersey in the middle of the night doesn’t quite dampen the ardour! The friend who has accompanied us is rather amused by our hero-worship!

Takes me right back to almost twenty years ago… the kids were in school and Arch gets a history project home.

The project is to write a biography of anyone she admires. Not being one to do things by halves, she decides to write one of not one but four of her heroes – who else but the Fab Four – the Beatles?!!

Research needs to be done. Research material is needed. The world wide web is in its infancy. We need books. The library proves unsatisfactory. A newspaper item – announcing the release of the Beatles’ Anthology saves the day. We make a trip to the bookstore. Yes, it’s available but it is all of eighteen hundred rupees – a lot of money!

She is daunted but not defeated! The sisters decide to collaborate on project “Buy the Beatles book”!

Plans are drawn up, piggy banks broken into; bank accounts carefully inspected for any lurking paise hidden away. They are still short – way short. Serious busy-ness ensues for the next few months. All aunts, uncles, grandparents are told, politely but very firmly that any gifts must take the form of cash ONLY! Pocket money is hoarded jealously. Stray earnings – by way of car washing (tough job for a pair of sub-ten year olds!), window cleaning etc. happens.

Finally the magic figure is reached – eighteen hundred whole rupees.

Solemnly, as befits the occasion, they troop off with their purse jangling with coins and rustly with a few rupees. The amused cashier at the bookstore is very patient and counts out the coins carefully.

They come back bearing the book proudly (it’s almost taller than Kanch, I swear!) and the book is pored over reverentially.

Project done and submitted. The book still continues to occupy pride of place on our bookshelves.

I am totally convinced that we all need heroes of many sorts in our lives – no matter if you are seven or seventy years old! The Beatles, Fogerty, Jim Parsons for the lighter end of the spectrum, the Buddha, Martin Luther King or maybe even Genghis Khan for the heavy end!

Why light? Well, look at Paul McCartney’s answer to what one reporter asks him. It goes like this:

Q: So, what do you think of this campaign Detroit has started to stamp out the Beatles?

Paul: We’re starting a campaign to stamp out Detroit!

Light as these things Americans call biscuits – nothing like what we call biscuits back home in India!

AMERICAN BISCUITS (from whats4eats.com)

• Plain flour/maida – 2 cups
• Baking powder – 1 tbsp
• Salt – 1 tsp
• Butter – 1/2 cup
• Milk – 2/3 cup
• Herbs – optional

Preheat oven to 200°C. Sift the flour, baking powder and salt together into a large bowl. Add the butter and work into the flour quickly with your hands to form a coarse mealy texture

Stir in just enough milk to bring all the ingredients together in a shaggy mass. You may have to add more or less milk than called for

Remove the dough to a floured work surface and knead briefly just to smooth out the dough. Do not overknead or your biscuits will end up tough.

Roll out to a thickness of about 3/4 inch. Cut into rounds with a floured glass or a biscuit cutter. Place the rounds on an ungreased baking sheet and brush with milk or melted butter.

Place in the oven and bake until browned on top, about 12 to 15 minutes. Serve immediately with eggs, jam and butter and watch your face glow with happiness!

Psst… these are very similar to what the Brits call scones but let’s not tell either of them that!

“Brrrrr… pttt… ptttt… pttt… thud… OUCH!” and repeat that at least a dozen times… the number of young nephews and sundry friends of theirs who have learnt to ride on my uncle’s (Murali maama) scooter!

Visiting every museum we could find on our travels through America, three aerospace museums (I’m not kidding!) included amongst the Julia Child’s museum, Smithsonian, Adler, the Met, the Deccan Sultanate show (which had me swooning in ecstasy at the beauty as much as it had me up in arms against the looting of my country during the Raj days) and many more, I am beginning to think that this trusty old Lambretta of my uncle’s also belongs in one of those – at the very least – maybe it even merits a museum of its own!

That scooter was bought, if memory serves me right, sometime in the early seventies and lasted over two decades of hard, very hard use, not counting the demands made on it by many nephews, all intent on cutting a dashing figure on their own, dreamed-of trusty steeds some day!

In their imagination, they were not riding a neutral dust brown (shows the least number of scratches!) painted chubby little, definitely middle-aged scooter but a dashing, silky smooth, black charger of a Yezdi or a tremble-with-fear-all-ye-who-hear thunder of a Bullet!

Plonk, splat… go the dreams as the dreamer takes yet another tumble! But that doughty old lady of a Lambretta taught them much more than just how to ride a bike – it taught a generation to pick itself up, dust itself off and then get right back on again – patched up with a Band-Aid where possible, wiped off with a dusty cloth where not (asepsis? antibiotics? what the heck are those??!) till the old lady was satisfied. The show was over only when the fat, old lady sang – a smooth ride with a pillion rider!

That scooter was also about a spirit of sharing in a day when most people guarded their two-wheelers as closely as Fort Knox, polishing them morning and evening and not letting anyone lay a finger on them! You could look, you could ooh and aah in admiration but woe betide you if your breath so much as steamed up the gleaming tank surface (much like an overblown beetle’s torso!). Kids were banished for lesser sins!

Murali maama, on the contrary, was happy to lend (at least we thought so – I really have to ask him what he actually felt!) his scooter to anyone who had a desire to learn. Long live his ilk of generous souls!

And for Murali maama, a connoisseur of South Indian tiffins (that’s where the Nemali love of vadas originated!), here’s one very South Indian favourite…

KANCHIPURAM IDLI

• Idli rice/parboiled rice/uppudu biyyamu/puzhungal arisi – 1.5 cups
• Raw rice – 1/2 cup
• Poha – 1/2 cup
• Urad dal/black gram dal/minappappu/uzhundu– a generous half cup
• Salt

Soak the dal and the rice separately for about 3-4 hours.

Wash the poha and soak for ten minutes.

Grind the dal and rice separately to a not-too-fine batter and mix the two well, whisking to aerate. Leave in a warm place to ferment overnight or for 8-10 hours. Add salt and mix well.

FOR SEASONING

• Sesame oil (susbstitutes can be used but the fragrance cannot be replicated with other oils) – 1 tbsp
• Mustard seeds – 1 tsp
• Peppercorns – crushed slightly – 1 tsp
• Jeera/cumin seeds – 1/2 ts p- crush slightly
• Asafoetida – 1/8 tsp
• Curry leaves – crushed or shredded into small pieces – 2 sprigs
• Dried ginger powder – 1/4 tsp
• Chana dal/ Bengal gram dal/senaga pappu/kadale paruppu – 1 tbsp
• Urad dal – 1 tsp
• Cashew nut bits – 1 tbsp
• Green chilies – minced – 1 or 2

Heat the oil and ghee together in a small pan and add the mustard seeds.

When they splutter, add everything else and saute for a few seconds.

Cool a little and pour over the batter.

Add turmeric if you want yellow idlis.

Pour into greased katoris (small steel cups) or small coffee tumblers or idli moulds and steam for 12-15 minutes till done.

Sprinkle a little water over and demould (cool water helps to demould easily).

Serve with coconut chutney or red coconut chutney (flavoured with red chilies instead of green).

My favourite extremely simple chutney for this is 1/2 cup coconut ground with 3 red chilies, 5 spring onions, water and salt!

It is some time in the mid ’90s. My mother has just come back from a two month trip to America with her sister. Overflowing with their zest for life and general joie de vivre, they have basically rollicked all over America, raising hell (both well into their sixties, by the way!) raising eyebrows, dust, hair and much merriment as they ‘discover’ Amreeka!

Even two decades later, their exploits are related to us by various cousins – with much glee! One of them tells us of their trip to Disneyland and their desire to go on the most hair-raising of the roller coaster rides, sarees firmly tucked between their knees and their happy squeals for “more”! The cousin, who has expected to escort a couple of elderly aunts who might want to chant “Krishna Rama” every morning and planned a temple itinerary for them, is faced instead with a couple of brimming with energy,wheels-on-their-feet brats, who pooh-pooh all temple visits and insist on being taken to amusement parks, casinos (with an unshakeable belief in their own good luck, they are pair of born gamblers!) and suchlike!

My mom comes back to India addicted to American soaps by the way and insists on her daily fix of “The Bold and the Beautiful” – as corny a soap as it can get! My daughter, who is about three years old, also watches it with her, very interestedly, even learning the names of the players in the highly confusing drama.

One day, she sits watching the act unfold, two fingers firmly in mouth. One if the guys, chap called Bruce-something is in jail on a trumped up charge. The jailor, who’s been paid off (K doesn’t know all this, of course), brings him his dinner – on a platter with a cloche covering it.  Jailor man hands it over, leaves and Bruce opens the cloche (cloche covered dish in a jail? Seriously??!) and finds a dead rat on it. He squeals. My mom echoes the squeal..

K, (at the stage where she wants to eat everything including cockroaches and crocodiles!), watches interestedly. Ah, the jailor seems to be a kindred soul, she thinks. Takes her fingers out her mouth (this happens only when she has an important announcement to make, by the way!) and inquires, “Amma, that jailor maama (jailor uncle) thinks that Bluce maama is a non-vegetarian, huh?”!! She is rather puzzled by our merriment but joins in – happy to have cracked a joke!

Her predeliction for insects and various other objects she thought were edible had us all on our toes constantly – to see that she didn’t put weird stuff in her mouth! Who ever thought she’d grow up be a strong PFA (People for Animals) believer??!

Here’s one for you, K… involving no livestock of any kind!

PALAK-CORN

• Sweet corn – 1.5 cups – boiled with a pinch of sugar and a big pinch of turmeric
• 1 large onion – chopped and pureed – about 1/2 cup
• 1 large tomato – chopped and pureed
• Asafoetida – 1 pinch
• Jeera/cumin powder – 1 tsp
• Dhaniya/coriander powder – 1 tsp
• Garam masala – 1/4 tsp
• Hot milk – 1 cup
• Salt
• Butter – 1 tbsp

FOR PALAK PUREE

• 1.5 cups – spinach
• 1 tbsp kasuti methi (dried fenugreek)
• Fresh coriander – 3 tbsp – chopped
• Garlic cloves – 2
• Ginger – 1 ” piece – chopped
• Green chilies – 2
• Fried ginger juliennes for garnish – optional – 1 tsp

Combine all the ingredients for the spinach puree with a couple of tbsp of water. Cover and microwave (or cook on flame) for 3 minutes till wilted. Cool and grind to a smooth puree.

Fry the onion puree in the butter till pink.

Add tomato puree, garam masala, dhania powder, jeera powder and saute till the tomato smells cooked – about 3-4 minutes.

Add palak puree, salt and sweet corn and continue to cook for a few minutes more. Switch off.

Just before serving, stir the hot milk through, garnish and serve with hot rotis or puris.

Lefotvers? Cook till the gravy dries a bit and use as a filling for grilled sandwiches.

Or add rice and water and cook into an easy pulao.

No insects or rats or even cockroaches, i promise!

Over a week in California and we’re feeling like we have been on a state visit (please note that we have now switched to the royal “We” to refer to ourselves!) We are also needing to be taken down a peg or two, we thinks! Also maybe to put our heads in a shrinking machine?!

Feeling like we’ve seen every corner of California but I am assured (hey, who put that shrinking machine on my head while i was sleeping?!!) that we’ve barely touched the tip of the iceberg. We are coming back!

Long road trips – twelve hundred kilometres in two days, not counting the many shorter trips over the week and I feel like I’ve got wheels on my feet – not to mention needing a bladder stopper!

Have been blessing the American loos – plentiful, clean (in general) and just about everywhere! My mind goes back to the many dozens of road trips in India over the past thirty-odd years… we – husband and kids – love road trips – there is no rush to catch a train or a flight, there is no need to squash our belongings into suitcases which are always too small (wonder why – considering we possess every size of suitcase ever made!) and we can spread out – little bags and potlams (makeshift bags!) all over. Unfortunately, long road trips in India accompanied by small bladders do not a happy combination make! Frantic stops with a loo made of three shawls and a prayer for the fourth side (prayer that there was no one there!) were the norm!

Things have improved considerably with the toll plazas but it’s still a bit of a frantic business – as a friend – also with two daughters – all blessed with small capacities, realises!

Forty five minutes into the trip, the first stop is called. Designated driver (always the dad in this case), still in an obliging holiday mood, stops quite happily. Forty minutes and absolutely no liquid having been imbibed by anyone, the second stop is called!

His “But… but, we just… “ protests are overruled… he doesn’t know anything about it! Three hours and six stops later, he is bargaining for more driving time  – just another hundred kilometers more… (I admire this guy – having the guts to even try and stand up to three women with insistent plumbing!)… The littlest daughter ( all of ten years old, by the way) puts the matter firmly in perspective. “Okay, dad, we’ll wait, but, you got a cup?”! Dad pulls up – two kilometres away! The man has learnt his lesson – capitulation is the only possible course of action if he wants his car seat to last a year more!

With this dish, he’d probably have capitulated earlier!

UPPUDU PINDI/UPPINDI (Raw rice rava with moong dal upma)

• Raw rice – 1.5 cups – wash and spread out to dry on newspaper or cloth for half an hour. Grind to a coarse rava – semolina like consistency. Resist the temptation to grind it finer – the uppindi will become pasty.
• Moong dal/pesarapappu/green gram – 1/2 cup – soak for half an hour
• Crushed peppers – 1/2 tsp
• Jeera/cumin – crushed – NOT powder – 1/2 tsp
• Green chili – minced – 1
• Ginger – grated – 1 tsp
• Mustard seeds – 1/2 tsp
• Asafoetida – 1 large pinch
• Turmeric – optional- 1 pinch
• Curry leaves – 2 sprigs
• Salt
• Oil – 1 tsp
• Ghee – 1 tsp
• Hot water – 4 cups
• Fried cashewnuts – optional but HIGHLY recommended!

Heat the oil in a pan and add the mustard seeds. When they splutter, add the jeera, pepper, curry leaves, ginger, green chili and asafoetida. Saute for a minute. Add turmeric if using.

Add the soaked dal and saute for 3 minutes.

Add the rice rava and saute for a couple of minutes more.

Pour in the hot water in a stream, stirring constantly.

Add salt.

Cover and cook for about 12- 15 minutes. Do NOT add more water – heed the lesson taught in the story!

Pour over the ghee and switch off. Cover and let it rest for 3-4 minutes before serving with avakai/pachi pulusu (blogged earlier)

Guaranteed rest stops for hours if you serve this!